Tag: spiritual abuse

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How to Heal After Dealing With a Modern-Day Pharisee

When someone uses the language of faith but not the heart of it, the wounds they create are unlike any other. They don’t just bruise your emotions—they shake your spiritual foundation. They make you question your intuition, your worth, your understanding of God, and sometimes even your ability to trust love itself.

And here’s the words you will not likely hear: Healing from spiritual abuse takes courage. It takes tenderness. It takes time. And it takes the willingness to reclaim the parts of yourself you had to hide just to survive the interaction.

You may feel confused, drained, guilty, angry, or even spiritually disoriented. You may wonder why someone who talks about God could act with so little compassion. You may even question whether you somehow “deserved” the treatment you received.

You didn’t. And you never will.

What you experienced was not the heart of God. It was the behavior of a person acting out of fear, ego, or unhealed wounds of their own, wrapped in the clothing of religion.

Now the path forward is about you:

    • your healing
    • your peace
    • your reconnection to God
    • your freedom
    • your ability to trust your own heart again

This next section is about gently guiding you back to that place. Not through judgment. Not through bitterness. But through clarity, compassion, and empowerment.

You are not broken. You are recovering. And you’re doing it with more strength, more wisdom, and more spiritual awareness than you had before.

The following are some signs that will help you identify a modern-day Pharisee:

Modern-Day Pharisee vs. True Follower of Jesus

Category Signs of a Modern-Day Pharisee Signs of a True Follower of Jesus
Use of Scripture Uses verses as tools to control, shame, or prove superiority. Uses scripture to guide, comfort, encourage, and heal.
Heart Posture Focuses on appearing holy or being admired. Focuses on connection with God and serving others quietly.
Accountability Rarely apologizes; rarely self-reflects. Admits mistakes humbly and grows from them.
Tone of Interaction Harsh, correcting, critical. Gentle, compassionate, patient.
Emotional Impact on Others Leaves you feeling confused, small, guilty, or spiritually insecure. Leaves you feeling encouraged, hopeful, safe, and valued.
Relationship to Power Needs control, attention, and authority. Uses any influence to uplift, support, and empower.
Focus of Faith Rules, performance, image. Love, relationship, spiritual authenticity.
Openness to Dialogue Dismisses your thoughts; insists “I’m right.” Listens with an open heart; honors your perspective.
Approach to Forgiveness Demands forgiveness without accountability; uses “forgive and forget” to silence conflict. Seeks true reconciliation; offers and receives forgiveness with humility.
Response to Vulnerability Uses your openness against you or as leverage. Protects your vulnerability; treats your heart with care.
Consistency Words and behavior rarely match. Behavior consistently reflects the teachings of Jesus.
Reaction to Difference Views differing opinions as threats or rebellion. Respects differences and seeks understanding.
Inner Motivation Recognition, admiration, power, or control. Love, service, compassion, and connection to God.
Spiritual Fruit Decreases peace, increases tension; spirit feels heavy around them. Increases peace, expands hope; spirit feels lifted around them.
Your Inner Experience “Something feels off.” You feel spiritually smaller around them. “Something feels right.” You feel spiritually strengthened around them.

Healing from the influence of a spiritually controlling or self-righteous person is not just emotional work, it is soul work. When someone misuses faith to dominate, shame, or diminish you, it creates wounds that reach deeper than ordinary conflict.

But you can heal. You can reclaim your peace. You can restore your connection with God, with others, and with yourself.

Following are the steps that will help you restore your voice, reclaim your peace, and rebuild your spiritual life on a foundation of truth, love, and authenticity.

    1. Acknowledge That What You Experienced Was Real

Spiritual manipulation is subtle. It leaves you second-guessing yourself. You may even wonder if you’re the problem.

You’re not.

The moment you admit, “Something inside me was hurting,” your healing begins. What you felt was real. And validation is the first breath of recovery.

    1. Release the Shame That Was Never Yours

A modern-day Pharisee often uses shame the way a painter uses color — it gets applied everywhere. But shame placed on you by someone trying to appear superior does not belong to you.

Gently let it fall away. It was never yours to carry.

    1. Reconnect With the Heart of God, Not the Voice That Hurt You

Sometimes the loudest religious voice in your life is not the voice of God.
You may have heard sermons, commands, or threats that left you afraid, small, or unworthy.

But the heart of God is love. The voice of God brings peace, clarity, and hope, never panic or despair.

Allow yourself to meet God again as if for the first time: quietly, gently, honestly.

    1. Surround Yourself With People Who Demonstrate Love, Not Just Talk About It

Healing accelerates when you’re around people who embody:

        • humility
        • patience
        • kindness
        • curiosity
        • compassion

Not perfectly, but sincerely.

The right people reflect back to you the truth of who you are: worthy, loved, and connected.

    1. Rebuild Your Ability to Trust Your Own Inner Guidance

A Pharisee-like person often undermines your confidence in your judgment.

They say:

        • “You don’t understand.”
        • “You’re wrong.”
        • “You’re misinterpreting.”

But your intuition, your inner compass, is a gift. Begin noticing it again. Gently.

Start with small decisions and celebrate each moment you listen to your heart.

    1. Let Yourself Grieve What Was Lost

This part is important.

You may have lost:

        • trust
        • innocence
        • time
        • confidence
        • a relationship
        • a sense of spiritual safety

Grief doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. And grieving opens the doorway to becoming stronger than you were before.

    1. Learn to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Boundaries are not punishments. They are expressions of self-love. You can create distance without creating hatred.

A boundary simply says: “I choose peace.”

Jesus Himself walked away from people who distorted His teachings.
You are allowed to do the same.

    1. Rebuild Your Spiritual Life in a Way That Feels Safe and Authentic

This may include:

        • journaling
        • prayer
        • meditation
        • reading scripture with fresh eyes
        • finding a new faith community
        • spending time in nature
        • quiet reflection

Create a spiritual space where your soul can breathe again.

    1. Let Compassion Have the Final Word, but from a Safe Distance

Healing is not about excusing harmful behavior. It is about freeing your heart from bitterness so you can move forward unburdened.

Wish them well. But do not return to the cycle that wounded you. Compassion does not require proximity.

    1. Step Into Your Future Stronger, Wiser, and More Connected Than Before

Everything you went through has shaped a deeper wisdom within you. You are emerging:

        • more aware
        • more grounded
        • more spiritually discerning
        • more connected to your own divine source

You are not damaged. You are not broken. You are becoming more fully yourself.

And your story will one day be the light that guides someone else out of the shadows.

 

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How to Talk to People About Jesus

I’ve been in the Christian ministry since I got out of high school and I have been trained in how to talk to people about Jesus, and today, I realize that all of these efforts in all their various styles were not correct. I will tell you how I talk to people about Jesus today. Maybe it will work for you, too.

What’s wrong with the old ways?

The common thread that runs through all the previous methods that I was taught about how to talk to people about Jesus, is that the methods were approached from what I call “spiritual arrogance,” which is referred to in Christian mental health issues as spiritual narcissism.

Spiritual Narcissism

Spiritual narcissism is an arrogant state of mind that assumes that the person who is delivering the message is superior to every person that you are communicating with. The status of an inflated ego will make the delivery of any message more difficult to receive by anyone who would have an open heart even if they would benefit greatly from the message you are trying to deliver.

Spiritual arrogance or narcissism is offensive and will put any listener on the defensive. Here are the things that will cause someone’s heart to close down, making the delivery of your message fall on deaf ears:

    • Bragging about your spiritual or religious endeavors.
    • Using your faith or spirituality to manipulate others in order to improve your religious status.
    • Communicating with a condescending attitude, passive-aggressiveness, and/or defensiveness.
    • Pointing out flaws and errors in personal or religious areas of life.
    • Telling someone that they are wrong, and they must do what you (or the Bible says) or else.
    • Asserting that you and your view of God are right, therefore everyone else is misled.
    • The assertion that this or that is black-and-white.
    • Overburdening a non-believer by quoting 2,000-year-old text (the Bible).
    • Avoiding personal responsibility, “It’s not me, it’s God.”

I’m sure you could think of other things to add to the list, but you get the idea. As much as you are trying to relate to this person, you cannot do it, if you’ve caused them to disconnect due to your delivery method. Check the body language, they stiffen, lean back, reduce eye contact, and after the eye roll, you’re done. You have lost before you even got started. To keep going, after the receiver has already shut you out, is equivalent to narcissistic abuse.

Debate and Intimidation

I know, back in the day, bullying people and overwhelming them with data, scripture, and the threat of burning in hell could result in a conversion to your idea or belief and truth. Today, debating and over-powering someone is not effective. You cannot intimidate someone to give their life to God.

Just stop it.

How to Talk to People About Jesus

This is so simple, but if you are used to outdated methods of manipulating or persuading someone to convert to your idea of what God is all about, you may have bad habits that you will need to break before you can effectually communicate with another human being heart-to-heart.

Heart-to-Heart

Heart-to-heart communication is the only way to truly reach out and connect to another person.

To do so, you must,

    • Let go of any expectation of an instantaneous conversion.
    • Love them with the level of love that Jesus would have.
    • Make it about the person you are talking to. Don’t make it about you.
    • Seek to listen to them, then understand where they are coming from.
    • Use scripture sparingly and paraphrase it in your own words, this increases relevancy.
    • Use your religious experience and words sparingly.
    • Let your life be your testimony. Let them ask you why you are different.

Avoid doing these things at all costs. Do not:

    • Judge them or try to hold them responsible for believing differently than you.
    • Be critical about their current lifestyle.
    • Offer them your perspective or advice unless they ask for it.
    • Overwhelm them with TMI “too much information.”

That is a lot of ground to cover in this brief presentation, and it can be extremely hard to change the way you approach others about something that you are so passionate about.

Let it be known that it is not working the way that you’re doing it now, and you’re probably doing more harm than good.

I often see people and try to support them to recover from what they call, “spiritual abuse.” Don’t be one of the perpetrators of spiritual abuse, or risk being labeled a spiritual narcissist. Don’t let this happen to you.

How I Do It

I guess I just live my life and love everyone like I think Jesus would. I am a big fan of Jesus and I think he just loved everyone. It didn’t matter who they were, where they were on their life’s journey, or even if they had a questionable character in the past. He just loved them.

That’s what I do, in the work that I do when I meet with people. I no longer try to get them to fit in my world, I do like St. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 9 (22), “I am become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some.” and that works for me.

It works for them because they are inviting me into their world. They are never defensive, always open, and I never judge them. It’s a real connection that we share. It’s that heart-to-heart thing. The added benefit for me is that I get access to the most interesting information that they wouldn’t tell anyone else. I am blessed just to be there.

Try it. You might like it.

If you are interested, you can take our free course, “How to love others like Jesus.”